April 28, 2018
Prior to my facial surgery a friend asked me, “When you look in the mirror do you know who you are?”
I was puzzled. I wasn’t sure I understood the question and I certainly didn’t know the answer. I guess prior to discovering that I am transgender I wasn’t really sure who I was. I have my likes and dislikes. I enjoy windup phonographs, repairing them and playing them. I love metal detecting. I love history, all kinds. I love music, singing it and playing it. I love all kinds of art from the great impressionists through pop art and modern art, even some performance art, and especially little kid’s art.
But those are things that I enjoy. Is any of that who I am?!
Even now, after living for 9 months as Tiffany I’m not sure who I am. Of course I’m still in flux with more surgery possibly before the end of the year. But surgery doesn’t define one. It’s interesting that I never think of my diabetes, which I’ve had for 34 years, as part of who I am, or what defines me.
So, who am I?
If I search myself now for an answer I guess I’d say that I am someone who is concerned with other people’s feelings. I try to think of another person’s perspective. I try to do good. If I have extra I will gladly give to someone in need. If I won the lottery I think I would donate a lot to well-run charitable organizations and medical research. I would love to start a company to produce a generic insulin for diabetics in need.
Who am I?
Hmmmm, well, I’m very concerned with my quality of life especially as I age. My family genetics is not great. It’s not as bad as others, but it definitely worries me and how it will affect those that I love and am around.
I’m not all that religious. I was baptized and confirmed Catholic. While in my early 20’s I jump started the folk choir at my church. But I have questions with my relation to the church as a whole. I do believe in something, but I guess I categorize myself as agnostic. I definitely don’t agree with the some people’s use of religion and not just here in the USA. Any group that uses their religion or religious stance as a reason to hate anyone else is contrary to the love that most religion’s preach. But I don’t want to get into religion or politics. I am not intelligent enough on either subject.
Recently I was talking with a friend that I met in college years ago. They were talking about my writing style and how easy it seems to flow. I admit that this is the easiest I’ve ever been able to write. I used to carry a journal with me all the time. It started around the sometime in the early 90’s. I wrote all kinds of things from journal entry’s to words or phrases that people would say. The thing is that I always wrote in the style of the author of a book that was then reading. It wasn’t “my” style. Now I am finally writing in my own style, in my own hand.
Another thing is that I never, ever wrote about my feminine thoughts. I never put down to paper the fact that I wore female clothing in secret, or that I had an internal dilemma with posing as a put-together male on the outside but having a feminine mind and thoughts inside. How could I? It would be the end of existence if anyone accidentally read that! They could read anything else; who I had a crush on, what I had for lunch, what train I rode, but not who I truly was. So I wrote about fluff, about facts, but not about my feelings. Not about me. I think that says a lot about who I am, or who I was.
As the saying goes “Write what you know.”
With my revelation first to myself and then to the world, my world, that I am transgender, I can finally be more “me.” I’m finally writing “what I know.” I don’t think there’s any way that I could be more vulnerable. Even before I took the steps to reveal myself I had always admired anyone, gay or lesbian, for “coming out.” They put themselves out for ridicule, harassment, abandonment, bodily harm, to be who they really are. They are true heroes to me. They are the people in my mind know who know who they truly are.
So now my writing flows because I am living true as myself and I’m writing what I know and what I’m no longer afraid for anyone else to read. I’m on my true path to find out who I am.